Declutter...

Today. Present. Taste it.

Close your eyes. Release. Breathe out. Watch.

Content. Simply.

I will die soon. Life is short. Today could be my last. What matters now?

-written today

My heart and mind have been caught up with a lot of thinking and wrangling... many Should I's and What If's...

Exhausting!

I gather myself back, my energy, my being. Just to sit with me right now.

A thought for this weekend...

"While investing in gold, stocks, and bonds might be a recipe for hedonic wealth — riches that can be used to buy the dismal, mass-produced, rapidly depreciating, worthless-by-next-month commodities that line the sagging exurban shelves of every crammed-to-the-brim, beige big box store from here to Pluto — my little suggestion's a set of ingredients to craft your own recipe for eudaimonic wealth — riches that are made up of the stuff you probably can't buy, but have to earn: the stuff that people usually don't (and probably won't) sell, but can choose to freely bestow upon you, give to you, and keep in trust for you."
- Umair Haque over at Harvard Business Review

Yes, we are talking about things like love, kindness, compassion, true passion and dedication, creativity, beauty, freedom, peace, contentment and sufficiency, wisdom, courage, sacrifice...

His challenge to his readers... and mine to you this weekend:
Put what, why, and who you love ahead of what, why, and who you don't, and your roadmap will begin to write itself.

I value all the things that money and corporations and careers and material goods cannot give me - running, time, goodness of my fellow people, contentment, handiwork and gardening, physical well being and health... let this guide my thoughts this weekend and my life's roadmap.

What does your list look like?

I'm back...

Through the rollercoaster ride of my mind these past few months, up and down and up and down... I'm back running, at least, and loving it again!

been wrestling with myself of late... struggling to get myself excited about my life... but then a chink of light - do epic shit!
Getting tied up in my thoughts doesn't serve any purpose... but connecting with the greater goodness and reaching out to crawl in that direction will be a start of a new beginning!
What a wonderfully liberating thought - the world does not bat an eyelid if I fall splat on my face... but I would give everything I have to make my life mean something. So go, now, and do!

Losing steam...

Sorry I haven't been around much. This is one of the reasons why...

wow... no words needed.

Running has hit a slump, a major motivational hurdle, the pits.

Last week - I ran once, 5km.

I haven't run so little in years.

A plethora of excuses masquerading as reasons (or vice versa)... my holiday, a mild tummy bug, a very tight left buttock/hamstring...

But all thoughts do not cause me more anxiety than the realisation that the desire to run fades by the day. Not running means I forget the joy and instead, get caught up in the stress-y-ness of getting myself back into it... not running means falling out of a habit and having to claw my way back... not running means sliding backwards in fitness and routine, therefore losing some of the positive reinforcement that kept me running before.

So today, I made a choice. I have a cold and an annoying itchy cough, but I got off my ass and went to the gym - did 5.5 km and some strength/core work. Can't say I feel the better for it just yet, but I remind myself - Daily Choices, my choice is today! Hopefully tomorrow too!

I guess it isn't out of the ordinary to feel this way since I've been training quite hard for over a year now - for my half marathon last year and then for the LA marathon which I ended up missing in March... so I'm allowed to kick back a little, aren't I?

*just not for too long....*

Anyone with tips or stories to share about coming back from the brink - drop me a note or a comment please!

and until then, I'll keep hoping and trying - most importantly, to rediscover the Joy.

Backed up...

So I actually have so much to update you on... heck, i have so much to update ME on! I have a couple of entries that I simply haven't had time to tidy up and put on here. So instead of waiting for it all to come together, let me do what I can now...

My thought this morning - life and this year have gotten ahead of me. It's busier and more stressful at work these days, but I have also forgotten to keep up with some simple practices that can help me be more mindful... I'm looking forward to a 'review weekend' and the resumption of my morning 'quiet time' to start with! Have more trips planned over the next few months, and traveling does put a spanner in the works... but hey, life is good nonetheless!

Here's what I wrote while waiting for my flight home from LAX, 13^th March 2011:

I’ve had a wonderful week here in Pasadena. The sun was shining, and yes, life can be just that simple! Joy is irrepressible when light, space and some nature (I could see the San Gabriel Mountains!) surrounds you. I loved that what little I saw of LA exuded a laid back, content air.

The work meetings went well and I loved getting to know my colleagues from around the globe. I managed to run/work out more than I expected, clocking 30km for a relatively light week. With the abundance of sweets/food on offer, as well as PMS, I caved with regards to watching my diet – but hey, what’s a few extra (giant) cookies and desserts in the bigger scheme of things?

Today capped it off very nicely – I woke at 8am and went out for a run. I started at the Westin, heading out to the Rose Bowl, where I did a couple of rounds before heading back. After a quick shower and breakfast, I hit the streets to do some shopping. I will be going home laden with more running goodies – new shoes (YAY!!! Asics Gel DS Sky Speed and NB Minimus trail), Skins compression calf socks (white and in extra small size, which I can’t get in HK), another pair of shorts and panties from Lululemon (I just could not resist, it’s like a obsession – I HAVE TO visit a Lululemon when I am travelling and seem to always leave with shorts and panties!). I also went on a small spree in Abercrombie & Fitch… getting all ready for the summer with shorts, a bikini and a couple of shirts thrown in.

I didn’t miss Hong Kong at all this week, which surprises me still.

Going off on a tangent – this was really supposed to be about my trip to Southern California – I thought it would be cool to show you my range of running shoes. The good, the bad and the ugly…

(to be continued...)

Sniffle sniffle cough... cough!

Yes, still sick, but not too sick that I can't run! :) I'm dying to head out there today but don't think I'll get a chance before the sun heads down (and it turns chilly...), so it may still need to wait yet one more day. Feeling more optimistic though... I just need to get back out there quickly so my confidence will return.

So here's a thought for you...

"It's not about dedicating your life to your training, but about dedicating your training to your life." - Dan Millman

Isn't that something to carry with you this week? My life isn't about the training... instead my training is about life - it is celebrating life, it is embracing life, it is thanking life, it is loving life, it is wringing all I can out of life!

Thought for today...

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."

I have no idea who wrote this, but wow...

Fear does not change anything or protect us in the way we imagine it does. I am letting go of my fears, of my desire for security... I'm scared of running 42.2km, I'm scared of being alone, I'm scared of wasting my life and precious time... these do not help me, so I'm going to release them because "...there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful..."

Instead, "... for in movement there is life, and in change there is power". Bring on the challenges and all the daring new things I haven't tried before! Bring on the not needing to know, bring on the release of control... bring on discovery of life and joy today!

How? Or more importantly, Why?

Ran for a shade over 3 hours and 9 minutes yesterday *BIG smiles*
about 24km, so just under a 8 min per km pace - slower than I would like, but it's hilly where I run so I should be too hard on myself.

Quads aren't entirely happy today, but all in all, I'm feelin' good!

So I had a bit of time to think while on the road...

I was out at dinner on Saturday night when a friend asked repeatedly, "How do you do it? Where do you find the discipline, the motivation??". And then, "Why would you do it? I just don't understand..."
I'd like to think that the Why is easier to understand than the How, but on occasion, I realise that not everyone feels that pull.

I have always been someone who sets goals, who needs to feel that I have grown or improved with each passing year. I have the intrinsic yearning for the sort of capability, dedication, focus, physical mastery that you see in professional sports people, challenged athletes, marathoners... anyone who is pushing the envelope on what they should 'normally' be able to do.

My assumption is that the desire for self-improvement, the continuous extension of limits, the challenge, that yearning is common to us all... and that is the simple answer to the "Why?".
When every week, I am able to run further than I've ever done before (granted... one day, I will hit a wall with this one, won't I?)... when after every really hard session, I know I have gained strength mentally and emotionally... that is more than enough to keep me going.

Running and training is like Life, condensed. It asks of me as much as it can get, but it also gives bountifully in return. The gap to be bridged between my physical capabilities and Roger Federer's or Paula Radcliffe's is a forever chasm, but that does not mean that I cannot explore the limits of my talent and celebrate the power of my being. The discovery of how far I've come and the possibility of how much further I can go... that is one of the most amazing life lessons I've had in years.

And like Life, running teaches me to be at peace while striving - my body is what I have, is what I have been given even if it may not be what I want. Every time I push it to be 'more', I also ask myself to accept what it is in that moment.

Running is about heart... so it's more about Why than How. If I started by asking how, then I would have been swallowed up in doubt, overcome by a tide of "Cannot... no way... how could I?". Why, instead, reminds me daily that I want to be better, stronger, faster, more patient and wise... why, reminds me of the who I might one day become...

Anyone there?

I hesitated today before writing here. Let's face it... I had a grand total of 5 pages view yesterday, out of which 2 might have been my own.

Does it matter... what I write? If I write? If I believe? If I care?

Why spend time on this?

I have this picture of myself shouting words into a dark abyss... except it's funny rather than purely tragic :)

Then I realise that it doesn't really matter. And yet it does, except that I do not need to know if it does. Everything little thing that we do (or do not do) sends tiny ripples out into the world, perceptible to some but unfelt by many others. Our calling is to heed our inner urgings to do what is true to our own goodness, and then to let the world do its own thing with what is sent out there. It is not a popularity contest or a competition to win over the blogosphere. And the world is so much bigger, more mysterious and more wonderful than I can imagine in my little head.

Our lives are only small if we believe them to be, writes Teri at (Long) Road to Paradise. There is this paradoxical balance - having faith in how much beauty you bring to the world, and yet not being wrapped up in just how important you are... trusting the world to take our flawed existence and actions, amplifying it beyond our wildest imagination, but yet not thinking for the tiniest moment that you have the power to change the world.... knowing that every day you make a difference, but without ever truly understanding how or why.

Let's revel in those mysteries as I leave it there with you tonight...

A Singular Resounding YES!

This line came to me as I was running yesterday... and I have been using it endlessly, shamelessly. This is what I will wave madly in welcome of 2011 - a singular resounding YES!

YES to Running challenges aplenty... scary commitments made, I'm all signed up, so I just need to make it happen!
- I signed up for the LA Marathon in March, hoping to tag on my first full marathon and international running event onto the end of a business trip! I also have a backup/potential additional plan in the Sundown Marathon in Singapore in May. I want to ensure that I will manage at least one Full Marathon before mid year!
- I aim to also improve on my Half Marathon and 10km race times over the course of the year.

YES to staying healthy all round...
- With a short training cycle running up to LA, I need to balance up my focus on the finish with the need to make sure I stay well and injury-free... to keep my head about me as I push myself to train hard, but make the tough calls if and when I need to hold back. This is a wise lesson - I envy those who can keep going and never seem to hit their limits... I am still unfolding the layers of yoga wisdom - ambition with acceptance, effort with surrender...
- I will keep up with cross training at least 1-2 times per week, as well as stay diligent with stretching and foam rolling... I'll get my core/strength sessions in 2-3 times per week as well.
- Healthy eating and enough sleep is also priority. Luckily, the diet piece is usually manageable for me, although my sleep quality leaves some to be desired.

YES to keeping things simple... I have numerous other things floating about as I think about 2011... but then I realise that I can only do a few things to do them well. So this year, mindfulness and simplicity will be my only other (non-running) key theme...
- 10 minutes quiet time daily
- TV time will be kept to 5 hours or less per week
- 'Consume less'... simplicity in life for me means 'needing/wanting' less because I already have plenty. This means shopping less, wasting less, using less, but with mindfulness of abundance.

In some ways, I have become someone I never specifically aspired to be but I am glad I am slowly becoming - I stop myself in surprise every so often with the feelings of gratefulness and content and optimism that fill me. I honestly couldn't and wouldn't ask for a single little bit more... a truly blessed and happy space to be in. At this end of 2010, I give thanks.

Run run run run run....

I run because...

- Running, Life and Happiness are so inexplicably intertwined (read Kirsten Armstrong's latest article... I love her writing)

- No matter what happens on Sunday, I will be proud of myself :)

I know I am a runner because...

- I considered my travel options into work today and factored in whether it would be easier to read Runner's World on the bus or on the train

- I am feeling little tingles of excitement inside from the thought of a 2011 marathon dangling in front of me

- My post-race plans include... testing out some neighbourhood trails, running home from Hang Hau MTR station after work, body pump and spin class...

Crazy crazy crazy... have you caught a fever too?

On my mind...

This Sunday, I will be doing my first Half Marathon... 21 km... not easy, but not too difficult. And I ask myself to just push out those limits a tiny little bit more.

I want to do a full marathon soon but today, I found out that I am a month late registering for the StanChart Hong Kong marathon. Life is short and I don't want to wait until next autumn... but there aren't a wealth of choices here in tiny Hong Kong :) oh, well, so I will live to run the next marathon I can find - watch this space...

Shoring up on courage and strength for Sunday - these will be among the thoughts/people on my mind...
Bart's dream to complete the Comrades - I almost teared up reading this... it made me happy and proud, to be alive, to have dreams, to live to dare. Running is a celebration of humanity and of our connectedness...

Mark Hellenthal went from being overweight at close to 400 pounds to running a 100 mile race just recently. He sounds like a bit of an addict gone the other way, but I can relate to that...

My partner, who stubbornly, daily, chooses to be happy, optimistic, resilient, full of faith and hope.

Athletes everywhere, but Challenged Athletes particularly - watch the videos!

Dean Karnazes' book 50-50 is on my bedside table, my iPod shuffle will be loaded with my faves (for the tough second hour of the run!) and I'll be surfing the net on Saturday for more inspiring stories!

The world is out there for the taking!

For all the crazies out there...

On running and yoga, on moving and then, stopping, just for one moment, on the flip side of the physical to the spiritual, on figuring out where you go from here, on breathing in and breathing out until you can finally take another step, on grace and faith and love, on what to do if what you love is lost, on living and learning and growing... read about it on this fantastic piece on the New York Times.

(PS i nicked this photo off a yoga website on the internet... am I allowed to do that?)

Beginning Today

Fear not that your life will come to an end but that it will never have a beginning
- JH Newman

My life's triumphs have been borne of new beginnings... And these new beginnings? Of loss, of choices, of fearful trepidation proven false, of faith guiding me, of big and of small, of my everyday today.

I have had many lives and many beginnings - girl, Singaporean, rebel, idealist, Christian, escapist in foreign land, life wanderer, patient, Doctor, lesbian, homebody, fitness nut, believer...

This day is a new beginning of sorts. Yesterday morning, my legs were sore, my upper hamstrings were like taut wires connecting the back of my legs into my buttocks... pulling and reminding me each time I stood up and took a few steps. Last night my quads and glutes still burned walking up stairs. I scheduled it to be a rest day, thankfull. and Today I am new again :)

Gym later today, can't wait! 6km easy with some core work after.